The Selfie. The bane of my very existence. The everlasting hemorrhoid on the butthole of society.It’s just one of those things we’ll never be able to get rid of….like drugs….. or twerking……. or Justin Bieber. I knew I would fail at convincing people to take less than 20 selfies a day, so I figured I’d create some simple rules. I say rules, but really this stuff is and should be common sense. But alas, common sense is as rare at it’s ever been at this point.
1) If you’re going to take a selfie, take a selfie. Own it. You don’t have to validate it in your mind by putting some long-ass inspirational quote that has nothing to do with you face. I doubt that your ass on the sink inspires anyone to “work hard to achieve their dreams and never give up hope.” *rolls eyes*
2) If you caption your picture “dinner with friends” or “lunch with my besties” or some other crap, they have to actually be in the picture! How do I know you aren’t just sitting at home right now? And not even that, let your friends get some credit in the picture; it’s the least you can do since you probably ignored them throughout the whole thing because you were too busy looking for different hashtags to describe your food.
3) I know a picture tells a thousand words, but “MY FACE” is only two. If I’m friends with you on Facebook or following you on Instagram, chances are I know what your face looks like. There is NO need to remind me twice a day by changing your profile picture or posting a new selfie! And some people do the exact same pose in every picture! If I’m gonna have to stare at your face everyday at least give me variety! Gosh.
4) When I take a selfie, I’ll take like fifty pictures and choose the best one…..coz that sucker is gonna last me a few months. That might be excessive or very perfectionist of me, but at the same time I don’t get people who will upload a fuzzzy, grainy picture that looks like it was take with a potato. Midnight-in-the-sitting-room-with-maroon-curtains-in-the-background-and-one-candle-flickering-in-the-distance does not provide optimum conditions for taking a picture!
5) Overuse and misuse of phrases; putting on a pair of glasses does not make you a nerd, and you are not eligible to hashtag gymflow in any of your pictures unless there is an actual gym in the picture! Wearing a tracksuit one day does not make you Jillian Michaels! (the mean trainer chick from The Biggest Loser…..yup..I didn’t know either…I Googled it.) Another thing is overuse of song lyrics! As if the actual songs dont get annoying enough after like a week of incessant radio and TV play, I have to put up with everyone being “flawless” and “waking up like this”. On a side-note, if you’re going to say you’re flawless, make sure it’s true. #Just Saying.
There are so many things I have probably missed so don’t hesitate to tell me in the comments.
Until next time someone annoys me (which shouldn’t be too long).